You just made me feel so damn special
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
