My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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