i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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