my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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