I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
