I didn't shave. On purpose
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
