I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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