her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
