at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize