Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I am naked and annoyed.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
