you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
