I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
