i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
