Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
