Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
