so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I want to fling myself into the sun
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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