margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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