if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
