and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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