i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
