I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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