Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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