i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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