dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My vagina is officially offended.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
