never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
