Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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