I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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