capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
