Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
