Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
