I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
