just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
