Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
