Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
