Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
