If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
