I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Randomize
