I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
