For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
