i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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