My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
