I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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