I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
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