just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
