Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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