Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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