Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
