and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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