I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
