Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
