This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
