I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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