dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
