Im at strip club and am horny
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
