I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
