You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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