Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
